J. Crizzle

Just said what we were all thinking and bastardized some late 90s/early 2000s J. Crew ads.

2 min readApr 18, 2016

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When he’s trying to ghost on you but you have too many friends in common

“We’re going to need a bigger bonfire”

“I can’t believe you managed to convince him the lil’ bastard is his”

“Restraining orders can’t count during the holidays, that’s just silly”

“Help yourself to my medicine cabinet”

“Someday, a real rain will come. And it will wash away today’s sins”

“I would insist on your not calling her again. It will be hard to get the blood out your khakis.”

The Connecticut starter pack: just add gin

Post-breakup, Sally preferred to take her liquid lunches alone

Finding new ways to slut up work wear isn’t just a job, it’s a lifestyle

“…..the Patriarchy never even expected it. My work here is done.”

“GUYS PUT ME DOWN, I DON’T COUNT AS A VIRGIN SACRIFICE”

“You too can be beautiful and join our idyllic, eternal picnic. Drink this.”

“I’m so glad we went antiquing for the weekend and that you forced me to wear this oversized joke of outfit to prevent other women from ogling my heaven-sent physique”

SLEEPING ALONE HAS NEVER BEEN MORE FUN

“The things you do for new Bumble photos” “Just shut up and make sure I look happy and thin”

“Remember my child, only leave tasteful bouquets on the graves of your enemies”

“If the bar car isn’t open this time so help me God…”

The Paternity tests proved to be inconclusive, and they all lived happily ever after

Come visit Salt Lake City, the water’s great!

Sarah Solomon

Written by Sarah Solomon

You finally meet your personal brand in hell. www.sarah-sol.com @sarahsolfails

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